Writing Journal

This is hilarious.

http://imhelendt.wordpress.com/2007/08/23/laughing-so-hard-im-crying/

People rush from place to place struggling to arrive at their destinations on time. The destinations that can never be reached as the instant that they arrive, their minds have already left; moving on to the next destination that they are destined to be late for once again.

I was sitting on the train with my reading material and noticed a woman walk by. A minute or ten later, the same woman walked by in the same direction. It is more like time travel actually.

It could be the worst experience I have ever had with any individual, but at some point I forget and believe I would like the company again. But ofcourse I usually regret it completely.

My childhood had been full of anger. I recently came to this knowledge after a run in with my dad. It was made apparent to me that my father has a difficult time expressing himself in words and would resort to childish behaviors to get his message across. I can see how it makes me angry now. It is something that brought out my darkside in the past and it still does. I have been told that I have this darkside and likes to linger in it. The fact is, I actually do feel at home when I am angry. My body craves the hormones and chemicals released when I am angry. When I was younger, I did not comprehend the damages caused by anger. It felt great to be angry and I run thoughts through me head in order to perpetuate the feeling. Now I know intellectually that anger is harmful to me but physically I feel one with anger.

It was a crowded day at the lake. My entire family was having a giant gathering on the grassy hillside. Everyone was there, from Uncle Bob to my sister and any other extended family member. The mood was cheerful and the food was plentiful. As we sat their eating, I heard a high pitch wizzing of motors. A group of RC boats raced toward the inlet near us followed by the same number of motor boats with each RC controller as a passenger on each boat. The race caught everyone’s attention. All eyes followed the race and all conversation seized. It did not take a few seconds after they passed did we hear them returning. Following the same path into the inlet, they came cruising back out. The retracing of their path amplified the waves bouncing of the shore. The other boaters and fishermen were tossed violently. Suddently, a man overboard caught my eyes. It was a fisherman who apparently had lost his balance from the wake. His buddy tried to help him out of the water but was too afraid to as he did not know how to swim. Instead of reaching for his friend with his arm, he held onto his bass fishing boat seat and stuck his leg out to help.

The sun shown bright over the canyon. We traveled over the dirt road weaving through the mountain side. Every turn could have been our last as the only thing that kept us from a tumble down to the canyon floor was the grip of our 4X4 tires on the loose sun dried dust. It did not help that we were traveling at over 70 mph with the occasional blinding sun glare while rounding a corner.

It was exhilerating with the roar of the engine and the spinning of the wheels slightly fast than the road passing underneath from the slippage. We finally passed the mountain side and headed to the plateau with tree on both sides. The trees covered the road overhead creating shade to retain the water after the rain storms. Muddy puddles were formed which made the jeep suddenly slowdown when the wheels hit them. The mud splashed out in front of us as well as to the sides. A split second later, a loud splat noise came from the windshield as the jeep catches up to the muddy water the sprayed towards the front. Suddenly the road disappeared with only brown muck in sight. I turned on the wipers to effectively smear the mud around.

After around 30 miles of the muddy road we came to a clearing and the road ended. We pulled the jeep to a stop and shut the engine off. All was quiet. Stepping out of the jeep we heard nothing but our soles crunching on the dirt and gravel. A few butterflies were fluttering around nearby. Then a faint sound of what seemed to be ocean waves crashing on the shore could be heard. We walked in the direction of the sound and what came to view was a beautiful canyon. The waves we heard was the sound of the wind blowing between the mountains. It was such a serene and magnificent experience.

I have very little tolerance for pain. Every bit of discomfort sends me screaming or wining. It is not much of a problem except it gave reasons for hazing when I was in high school. But luckily that has since passed.

However, the issue now is that it has transformed into a lack of empathy for those who are experiencing pain. It is tough as my wife is currently very ill. She needs full support from me but my first reaction is aways to push her away. I hate myself for that. I wish I could be more caring when she is suffering. I wish I could just hold her and tell her everything will be alright. I wish I could be a good husband. It makes feel so sad for her afterwards. The way she has to deal with her pain without my full compassion. I do try to help her by doing thing around the house and by giving her massages. But what is lacking is the feeling behind it. I am just lacking compassion.

Not to blame the situation on someone else, but this may have been the way I was treated when I was sick while growing up. My dad was one who would tell me to suck it up. It was my fault for getting sick. It was because I was not careful and did not wear enough so therefore I caught a cold. Exhasterbated by the fact that I was already a wooze and I complained about my colds more than some, my dad would just lay it on me. I am seeing a bit of my dad in myself.

In light of the current situation, things are quite well.

Having spent some time with my mother-in-law, I see how some people can be there but not be their at all. She was around to be with her grandaughter the entire week. She was making time by being away from work. But, she was not really there. She was on the phone constantly speaking with her staff but and complaining that her staff was calling. On the other hand, she told her staff that she is working from home. In a way, she was not there for her work or her family. The problem was that she could not possibly bring herself to take part of the week off and go to the office for the other. Then she would feel that she was missing out. From my wife’s account of her childhood she had been doing that for many years. By not wanting to feel that she is missing anything, she had in effect missed everything.

I hope that she will make decisions on what is important to attend to and what is not. It may not always be family as we sometimes feel that it is the right thing to choose, but it should be one thing at one time. I hope my daughter’s relationship with her will not be like that of my wife’s with her. I hope that my daughter will not be disappointed with her grandmother.